Friday, February 4, 2011


Honesty is something that everyone seems to look for in others.  I wonder how often we look for it in ourselves.  Sometimes it seems as though we keep our lives going so full throttle towards the finish line that we never give ourselves the chance to step back, take assessment and discover if this is who we want to be, if this is who we are.  Does anyone know who they truly are any longer, in this day and age where everything is defined and placed into its perfect little peg? The circles are not allowed in the square holes and the triangles must stay out of the circle's spot.  Why must everything have its category and place.

I define myself as eccentric, and that is a definition, a peg hole per say, but my beliefs are all over the place from every corner imaginable, my likes and dislikes are also so widely spaced.  Some days I curse myself for letting so many years slip past me, wasted, useless to me now, other days I rejoice in this chance I've been given to start over, to make my path be what I want.  But is the path that I'm heading down right now the one that I truly want.  If I'm honest with myself then I know the answer to that question...and the answer is I don't know. 

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions, and I don't know if I will be successful enough at what I'm currently doing to have the life that I would like to have.  I don't know if I will ever get to travel, live in Asheville, or publish a book. (hell at this point I'd be happy to publish a single poem) what I do know is that I"m busting my rear doing the best I can to educate myself, to educate myself on the job that I am currently holding, so that I can be more than just another employee but to be a genuine asset. To educate myself on other things so that if anything were to ever happen I at least have a degree to help me find other employment (which I hope doesn't happen any time soon as I love my job now) To educate myself on what type of person I want to be when I "grow up". I want to discover what makes me tick, what makes my heart race, why I love who I love, and like what I do.  I want to unwrap the mystery in why my beliefs are so widely dispersed and why I love the idea of having a home and family, but am also enamored with the idea of being wild and roaming free.  I also want to know what makes the people I love tick, what moves their soul and speaks to their heart.  And with some this is easy, they are like open books to me, with others it is like trying to read an ancient tome in a language no longer spoken.  Some of the words seem to mean what current words do, so you see a faint outline of them in the fog, but there is still so much there to decipher.  And unless there is something to help you uncode the message will you ever truly know them. 

Somedays I feel like just rattling those people and see if their thoughts will fall out of their heads like so many candies from a pinata strewed upon the ground for anyone to pick up, anyone to see.  Would I know them any better then or would the packaging they began with be so destroyed as to not be able to hold those pieces once they were so brutally taken from them? 

Honesty, I truly feel that you cannot have it with anyone else until you've delved into your own heart and found honesty with yourself.  But what does that mean now?  Does that mean every encounter is a ruse until you've discovered yourself?  Well perhaps not from the other persons perspective but it very well could be from your own.

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