I Hate Paypal

After nearly 2 months of trying to get my account reactivated from something that was done on a sellers end of a deal, I still have no hope of getting the limitations dropped on my account. But seriously, once they are dropped I am closing my paypal account and will no longer be using it. Period. I have had way too much frustration in trying to work with them on this. I have fulfilled everything on my part, even their own website shows that I completed the process as of Jan. 11. And still they have done nothing to remedy the situation.  Grrrrr.

Seriously Paypal. You suck, and you lost a customer.

Just a Quickie

I'm so excited I just have to go ahead and share this:

Richie proposed and I said YES!!!

I'm so giddy!

It will be a long engagement, but if you know me, then you know the planning for everything started yesterday, so inevitably you will see random wedding/future home/future everything updates.

And now I must get back to work (On lunch break, so I thought I'd pop over here for a sec)

Pictures will soon follow.

Pictures of the ring of course!

Fear

Fear, inescapable wells up inside me,
Tempting me to turn and flee
From things that are yet unseen.
Fear of what may come to be,
And fear of what yet may not pass.
I sit here pondering,
What if, why, and how?
While not knowing,
What the future truly holds.
Tears linger,
In the corners of my eyes,
Unshed as of now,
But prepared for the moment
When disaster strikes.
My feet want to run,
Run fast and far away,
So that these fears cannot
Become what it is they could be.
My mind refuses to see
The beauty that could possibly be,
Instead it paints a future
Dark and cold with struggle,
Deceit and hate.
What is it that keeps me
Keeps me from letting go,
So that I am unable to truly embrace
All that you are
And all that you could be.
There is still a bit of a wall
Though transluscent
It stands between
A person who is me
And the person that I want to be.
I can see so clearly what could exist,
Yet cannot reach through
This thick and tempered glass.

Honesty

Honesty is something that everyone seems to look for in others.  I wonder how often we look for it in ourselves.  Sometimes it seems as though we keep our lives going so full throttle towards the finish line that we never give ourselves the chance to step back, take assessment and discover if this is who we want to be, if this is who we are.  Does anyone know who they truly are any longer, in this day and age where everything is defined and placed into its perfect little peg? The circles are not allowed in the square holes and the triangles must stay out of the circle's spot.  Why must everything have its category and place.

I define myself as eccentric, and that is a definition, a peg hole per say, but my beliefs are all over the place from every corner imaginable, my likes and dislikes are also so widely spaced.  Some days I curse myself for letting so many years slip past me, wasted, useless to me now, other days I rejoice in this chance I've been given to start over, to make my path be what I want.  But is the path that I'm heading down right now the one that I truly want.  If I'm honest with myself then I know the answer to that question...and the answer is I don't know. 

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions, and I don't know if I will be successful enough at what I'm currently doing to have the life that I would like to have.  I don't know if I will ever get to travel, live in Asheville, or publish a book. (hell at this point I'd be happy to publish a single poem) what I do know is that I"m busting my rear doing the best I can to educate myself, to educate myself on the job that I am currently holding, so that I can be more than just another employee but to be a genuine asset. To educate myself on other things so that if anything were to ever happen I at least have a degree to help me find other employment (which I hope doesn't happen any time soon as I love my job now) To educate myself on what type of person I want to be when I "grow up". I want to discover what makes me tick, what makes my heart race, why I love who I love, and like what I do.  I want to unwrap the mystery in why my beliefs are so widely dispersed and why I love the idea of having a home and family, but am also enamored with the idea of being wild and roaming free.  I also want to know what makes the people I love tick, what moves their soul and speaks to their heart.  And with some this is easy, they are like open books to me, with others it is like trying to read an ancient tome in a language no longer spoken.  Some of the words seem to mean what current words do, so you see a faint outline of them in the fog, but there is still so much there to decipher.  And unless there is something to help you uncode the message will you ever truly know them. 

Somedays I feel like just rattling those people and see if their thoughts will fall out of their heads like so many candies from a pinata strewed upon the ground for anyone to pick up, anyone to see.  Would I know them any better then or would the packaging they began with be so destroyed as to not be able to hold those pieces once they were so brutally taken from them? 

Honesty, I truly feel that you cannot have it with anyone else until you've delved into your own heart and found honesty with yourself.  But what does that mean now?  Does that mean every encounter is a ruse until you've discovered yourself?  Well perhaps not from the other persons perspective but it very well could be from your own.