Sunday, August 1, 2010

Looking Back

Yesterday I was going through some of my old blogs at my writing myspace.  While many of them were "fictional" I could still see the resemblances they held to my life at that time.  It makes me so sad to realize how truly unhappy I was and how I felt that there was no way out of my situation.  It took me a few years to finally gather the strength to leave, to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  Its been over a year since I left, and to this day I still feel angry with myself.  Angry for not leaving sooner, angry for not being able to fix it, and angry that I still cannot let all that pain and self-hate go.

There are days where I am genuinely ok with things where I don't look back, but those days are getting farther and farther apart.  I am in a wonderful relationship with The Boy, and he treats me better than I had ever expected to be treated, yet this little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that I'm not deserving of kindness.  My whole view of things was warped in that 7 years I spent with my ex and its getting hard for me to see an end to the way that it has affected me.  I'm not entirely sure which way is up any longer. 

I still hear from people that know him, and the lies that he's been telling about what happened just really get to me.  He has people convinced that I am a cold hearted bitch.  I can just sit here and shake my head in disbelief.  I stayed for a long time trying to help him with his problems.  Problems that were too big for me to deal with.  Problems that a person can only change if they want to.  And at that time he did not want to change.  He wanted to continue the cycle, and the cycle was making him more quick tempered than he'd ever been.  He scared me.  At the end he scared me so bad, that I knew there was only one option for me.  And that option was to leave.

I guess in some ways I just want closure, I just want him to own up to the things that he did, to the things that he put me through, to the lies that he told me during the time we were together, and to the lies he spread after I left.  Perhaps once the divorce is final and I'm not legally still his wife things will feel better for me emotionally, as those invisible ties will be cut.  I'm not entirely sure if that will help or if I'm permanently screwed up in the head from all those years.  I'm going to do my best to hang in there tho.

No comments:

Post a Comment